I yearn
For deeper blue
Of fathoms deep
And bottomless,
To which my thirsty skin
Might imbibe
The cool
And my heart
Might drink it in,
As if it were an oxygen,
Aqueous and limitless.
© Ben Truesdale and distilledvoice, 2015.
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Being on vacation, it was a pleasant surprise to see the first thing on my dash is a poem about the ocean. I like that you found a way to slip ‘oxygen’ in naturally. If I were to change one thing, however, it would be the last line; ‘aqueous’ fits in with the style perfectly, but calling something ‘bluish’ does not, especially when you already described it as a deep blue as the end to another line.
Although I like how it fits the title… but I am not a big fan of the title… I’m conflicted. In any case, your poems are always nice to read.
Ha ha – I caught your conflict and made it my own. I changed the title and the last words – I hope you are less conflicted now! I am!
Thanks Emma
Thanks Emma
Ok well thanks for the crit etc. To be honest I don’t really worry about all that sort of thing. I just write how they feel to me at the time and almost never go back to them. They may well be imperfect/incorrect for the reader – however rather than go back to re-edit I just write something else instead. Sorry to cause an inner conflict though. As I say, you might be on the money! But I’m really glad you are enjoying on the whole.
Love the way this shifts from
physical to metaphysical,
from skin to heart,
from flesh to spirit,
and how that inflects words
both preceding and following,
alters them for different readings:
fathoms deep
the cool
drink it in
an oxygen
And a lovely poetic response from you, Patrick. Thanks very much.